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  • Writer's pictureTankut Öztuna

Tankut ÖZTUNA Hikayeleri

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It seems that I was feeling strange. I felt like I was shaking as if there was an earthquake. I was really scared and went to the family doctor. Tests, blood pressure measurements... My blood pressure was higher than normal, and the doctor who increased my medication dose immediately told me to quit drinking. He was giving me advice about how I needed to live. He said I needed to be healthy to take care of my disabled child. But did he ever ask me if I wanted to live? There were feelings in me that I couldn't shout at him when he said, "Why do you drink, Tankut Bey?" I felt like explaining why I drank would solve everything. I just took it quietly, I don't know doctor, I just drink, I said. He said if I didn't quit, I was at high risk of a heart attack. If I were really afraid of death, I would have been affected by what he said. The only thing I was afraid of was not having experienced that feeling, and I would experience it one day. Either today or tomorrow. People are selfish, doctor, I wish I could say to my doctor. Their selfishness has consumed me. Even my disabled child is selfish. He only thinks of himself. My students are selfish, as long as they need me, I'm important to them. My family is selfish. Even though my blood pressure is high, they're selfish enough to ask me to take them to the market. Selfish enough to carry their burdens in the heat of the afternoon market. I attribute their complaints about not paying enough attention to them to their old age. I don't have my own life, doctor. I'm living other people's lives. I wanted to say there's me within the limits they've given me, but I couldn't. I left the health center and came home. I turned on the channel my son wanted and started drinking. Every moment I drank belonged to me. I became myself. Where am I then? On the verge of wanting to die.

25.06.2022 Alanya

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